:( :( :( Goal-based saddies
Sigh--bit of a discouraging day goal-wise today
Hi y’all.
So, I set the intention of doing my Future Self Journal in the morning.
And the entire thing was focused on how I wanted to shift my habit of writing posts late at night to writing them in the mornings.
Now, please understand—I have been working on developing the perfect mornings for myself for many years. I have carved out various hours in which to meditate, do morning pages, get ready, walk Princess the Pup, and prepare myself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually for the day to come.
One thing I have also done is left myself enough time that I could create for myself a devoted “writing time” every day.
I don’t think this has to be wild. I think 45 minutes is enough.
From the jump, with this goal, I have intended to shift my writing of these posts into some sort of “writing time” in the morning.
And this morning? I did everything right. I woke up. I did my morning pages. I walked the dog. I showered quickly and efficiently. I drank my coffee and listened to something wholesome. But somehow, somehow, I ended up getting to the office later than I’d intended to, and thought, “that’s okay! I can do the post after my first two clients.”
And then?
Then my phone hijacked my entire nervous system and made me its bitch.
That’s what happened.
I Bobbled. I read. I phoned. I didn’t do much scrolling, but I did take two walks and did other wholesome-ish things (holding my phone the whole time). And then I saw more clients. And took another break (phone in mitt the entire time).
And now it’s 7:51pm and I’m writing this post (INDEED a tiny bit earlier than usual) and I have to hurry home quickly to play viola with Best Friend Ben (who plays piano). Like… I have to leave right now.
I am not sure why this happened. I’m not sure where, exactly, I got tripped up by my limbic system, if indeed that happened at all. I did feel a bit activated the whole day because I knew I hadn’t stayed true to my intention…
but honestly, doesn’t there have to be a part of me that can over-ride an intention when it seems unlikely I will be able to do it? Like, shouldn’t I be able to say—and mean it—that I am off the hook today and I’ll try again tomorrow, instead of spending the entire day trying to do good productive things, all while phone-bound (phone = attempting to dissociate from my reality = not wanting to be present in the feelings of disappointment) and feeling a brooding sense of disappointment underneath all of my waking moments?
I’m positive there is a way to do this, but I’m not sure this moment will allow me to see it.
If you have any thoughts, tips, encouraging words for me today that would probably be really helpful. I’m not wanting to have some kind of dramatic internal spiral that throws me off of track entirely when I’m getting so close to completing my intention! Part of fulfilling intentions is noting hard spots, soothing oneself through them, and reaching out for support. If ya got any, let me have it! (Comments allowed from anyone today!)
K, gotta go meet Ben (I’m late as always; sigh, being nice to ourselves is hard.)
Affectionately,
Joshua
Oh yes, I know a bit about this one - in the throes of doing some schedule/habit changing myself. These aren't tips, but points to ponder (I'm pondering them myself - work in progress).
a) I've learned my mind/body/soul/self needs time off leash. One of the ways I sometimes realize that I need more of this is when I suddenly am hijacked by the need and my mind just GOES OFF LEASH without checking in with the rest of me first. I don't necessarily give up on my plans for change because of this, but it is a clear sign I need to look at how much I'm demanding of myself in the formatted/scheduled side of things - even if I'd like that side of my life to be stronger (and even if it USED to be stronger), ignoring this type of outbreak is not a good idea. It's an important part of myself - my actual vitality - that is speaking to me, so first step is to listen and... well... ponder.
b) Learning curve. Am I changing too much too fast? I try to give myself time for a trial and error period with any new habit, time to go through the honeymoon phase and come out the other side to deal with the downsides I was ignoring in my initial excitement. Ignoring the downsides is not a good idea. If I'm within two months of the new habit, I like to give myself "newbie" grace - it's like learning a new fingering. I like it, I understand it, I think it's a good solution, but I'm going to have to put in the practice and wait for my muscles to get comfortable with it and they have their own sense of timing.
c) Support. How is this change being supported. Yes, yes, I know, how am I supporting myself, yes, very important, I do it, I try to do it. But I'm often almost embarrassed at how much outside support of some sort makes a huge difference. I don't mean the kind where we have an accountability buddy and feel we need (yet another!) something or someone to live up to, to not disappoint. No, I mean the partners in crime, misery-loves-company kind of buddy of others doing something similar with whom we can weep together about how frustrating the slow rate of progress is and just soak in the shared struggle. Your Artist Way group is such a comfort and makes a real difference, doesn't it?
So I send you hugs. Please update on how you negotiate this. If you did the FSJ twice as slow with days off in between ON PURPOSE - do you think that might be useful? Curious minds and supportive hearts want to know.