Manifestation, goals, and why I might be a witch (including some stories about my courtship with Carlos)

A response to the thoughts of two days ago

Dear Yester-Me,

I read your letter all about the goals thing. I think you expressed things pretty well, and I definitely know what you were talking about. The one thing I think your letter lacked, though, was the concreteness of examples that might make what you were saying more visceral, where I could feel them in my gut. It all sounded a bit cerebral and disembodied—and that’s not a criticism, mind you. Just an observation.

But today I want to talk about the things themselves.

You claimed that when you let go and release, your dreams come flooding into your life with crazy specificity (as opposed to feeling always-out-of-reach when clenched and intensified and “working towards” in the ways our society recommends goals be sought after—write it down, track it, etc).

But let’s not just tell about this, let’s show it.

Remind me, when has this happened for us?

Ah, yes, okay. Our career is a good example. That 15-year-old version of us that was on vacation in Coos Bay, Oregon, sitting in Aunt Lori’s creepy basement before they remodeled their house, reading one of Uncle Steve’s books about psychiatry from when he was a medical resident, being sucked into the concepts, and really more-so into the idea of being a therapist. The knowing that this could and would be.

I remember the vision. I could see a waiting room, and I could see coming out to greet clients and taking them into an office that was my office, and I could see talking to folks about the things that most hurt them and helping them to feel better about those things. The image, the dream, was as much vision of the future as it was daydream. But not so specific as that—like when people have a vision board and then buy the exact house (by accident) that they have looked at on their board every day for years. No, it was more vague—like a container? Kind of like a placeholder? Enough specificity that I knew exactly what the dream/goal was, but also enough genericness that the Universe has been able to “fill in” the realization of that dream multiple times in the 14 years of my private practice—various locations that have all felt like versions of what I could only see in fantasy that evening. (In my mind I now flip through the different waiting rooms of my career—all places of peace and contemplation, all confirmations of what I dared to dream and know would be true within myself—but each different and each a new version of that which I knew was coming.)

Photo by Jan Canty on Unsplash

Perhaps the most interesting example of this was Carlos.

Carlos is an interesting example because for so long in my life I never even let myself tap into the vision of what could-be when it came to falling in love with a man. I truly, diligently, harmfully, resisted any such notions, so that when, in 2017, it finally occurred to me that the only way I could truly love myself fully was to love my whole self fully, including the gay part (DUH!), I had a pretty clean slate. I hadn’t had any time to get too specific in my dreaming (I think that’s the problem with goal-setting for me? Or one of them? It requires too much specificity?).

But the one thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to experience it—LOVE, the real thing, the vibrant connection and attachment that I had been denied for three decades—and not just infatuation and limerence (though I definitely wanted those things too). I remember going on a few dates (it only took a few) and having a clear and distinct knowing that I was there to fall in love, all the way, the full she-bang. That I would meet someone and they would be incredible, and that we would build a life together and possibly get married and help raise my (and eventually our) kids side by side.

The thing that was crazy about that scenario was, because of its purity, and its connection to the deepest parts of my inner self, the manifestation came flooding in so quickly and cleanly and fully that I had trouble believing it at first. Carlos and I started talking on OK-Cupid seven years ago this month. And even in those early conversations, I could feel the depth and rightness and realness of our connection. I had never experienced infatuation in this kind of scenario before, and I kept checking in with folks (is this real? Can I trust it? Am I making it up? Is it just because it’s new? etc. etc. etc.)

And even though Carlos was very cautious and boundaried (which is something I love about that man), and our courtship process took several years, I just knew deep within me that we would live our lives together, and probably even be married. But it was a weird kind of knowing—less like “I will accomplish this goal” and more like being let in on a secret of the Universe LONG before it was at all reasonable to know the thing I knew. Such that, as the first several years passed, and Carlos slowly allowed his cautious self to warm from hesitancy, layer by layer, to the full understanding of our deep connection, I never feared, I never felt a shred of anxiety, at least on the deepest level of my soul.

I just knew.

And what’s funny is that in some deep chamber of self, I also knew that if I pushed at all—that if I got eager and anxious and started to try to make the thing happen in my timing (which is impulsive and fast) or in my way (which verbal and would likely involve long, emotional letters instead of what ended up happening, which was more non-verbal) that it would delay things or, worse, possibly even ruin things.

Come to think of it, there was one moment in the process of our first year that the Universe gave me a CLEAR message about this—possibly even the message that solidified this calm, patient approach I ended up taking.

The Universe often uses synchronic events in my life to communicate messages symbolically to my higher self (from my higher self?) in a way that I have learned to parse, identify and follow. To my recollection, it has always been this way, and I have trillions of examples—but this one was one of the clearest I ever received. Awesome and fun as our courtship had been through winter and Spring of 2018, by Summer, Carlos and I were struggling. He was worried about things, and was taking a break from our up-to-that-point-daily communication. And I was driving down to visit my parents in the Portland area somewhat near where he lived, not even sure if he would want to hang out (which was fine and I completely understood—I think breaks can be very healthy at times—and in this case we did end up grabbing lunch and having a lovely time).

Anyway, as I drove through Chehalis towards Portland during that week of reflection for both of us, I was zipping along and didn’t notice a dip in the speed limit, and some cops who must have been trying to fill some quota took advantage of this and pulled me over and gave me a ticket.

Photo by Robin Jonathan Deutsch on Unsplash

The first thing I thought as the cops drove way was “That was so weird.” It was the first speeding ticket I’d ever gotten, for going 75 in a 60mph zone, and it felt very odd and unlikely and random. But random in a weird way—in a “pay attention” kind of way”—especially when, as I ramped up my speed to get back on the freeway I noticed a sign signaling that the speed limit was back to 70mph. They’d gotten me right before the limit changed.

It was odd enough that I kind of “checked in” to the Universe to ask why this had happened. And as I leaned into the more spiritual part of my mind, I immediately saw the message. It went something like this: you better slow down with Carlos or you will see negative consequences. Don’t push it. Just take it nice and slow. If you do that, everything will work out. But SLOW DOWN.

The message took. I could immediately see that my eagerness and excitement was leading me to push for things to move faster than Carlos’s personality, history, and personhood was going to be able to do comfortably. And slowing down on my end was way easier than it would have been for Carlos to speed up. All it would take for me was a bit of conscious effort—some deep breaths and some trust. So I took this very pointed cue from the Universe, locked in to the slow pace and cadence that was coming naturally to us, and got comfortable following Carlos’s lead.

I told Los that if we ever got engaged, I would need him to do the asking because I never wanted to mis-read the signs. And then I just enjoyed the ride, knowing it would all work out.

And sure enough, near the end of 2020—months after we had moved in together and begun really sharing our life during the pandemic—Carlos turned to me one day and said “I need to submit paperwork for insurance at work, and was thinking maybe we should get married so we can get you and the kids on my insurance.”

And that was it. No fanfare. No big hubbub. Just me and Carlos in our living room with the kids watching as my best friend Ben read a beautiful tribute to our union, and then the rings, and then the kiss, and then signatures, and BOOM. The thing happened. And it felt absolutely beautiful and good and right.

There had been no pushing on my end. No “goal setting.” If anything, it was the opposite. Just a knowing deep inside what was meant to be, and a calm, enjoyable journey towards it with no really strong feelings (either angst or anticipation) about the matter.

So, Yester-Me, in fleshing this out as I respond to your letter, I guess you’re helping me see even more clearly the way things work for us. So, thank you for putting your ideas into words and starting this interesting conversation. I’m learning more and more about us, and about the process that leads to the manifestation of our dreams. Little things are being clarified. And this conversation you started seems to be becoming an interesting little through-line in time and space for some realizations and ideas to have time to form, congeal, and come into being without us losing track of the thread of thought as days pass. So thank you!

Okay, I can tell our brain is getting fatigued, and it’s time to close this letter to you, Yester-me. But before I do I have have a request for Tomorrow-Me (I almost called you Me-Morrow, but that felt so fuckin’ cheesy it made my skin crawl, so I shall refrain, lol). Would you expand a bit on a few ideas that were starting to germinate here? First, are there more experiences we can share? Second, the synchronicity thing—how does this relate to the “knowing” thing? Is it all the same thing or are there distinctions? And in that vein, are there principles can you identify in these stories that seem to be more longstanding patterns about how we function? Can they be boiled down into concrete action steps—ones that when I am confused and wondering what to do next can serve as guiding principles? (There is potentially quite a bit here, so perhaps several letters might be required to respond.)

All right, I guess I bid adieu to you both—my good friend Yester-Me who thought to get this thing going, and my other loyal companion, Tomorrow-Me (NOT Me-Morrow!).

With love, affection, and gratitude,

The Joshua of Today