Some things I'm learning (Day 6)
Here a few of the things I'm already coming to understand as I pursue the (for me) terrifying goal of 30 Substack posts in 30 days
I am coming to know the nature of my limbic system, and some of the ways it interrupts my goals when it is really scared.
I am learning that this goal is scaring the shit out of my limbic system. I’m not kidding. I have spent the last five days in a roving, constant state of waxing and waning panic. Doing the Future Self Journal has allowed me to really remain in a state of observation of this over time. As I sit with the fear, meditate, and raise my conscious awareness, I have really blissful periods of relief and peace. But my limbic system has not been happy with me, and has tried EVERYTHING in its power to stop me from doing this.
Things it has tried: getting me to overeat; getting me to forget eating; trying so, so very hard to distract me from my morning pages (which I have also done every morning, something I have come to realize has been an important ingredient so far in not having missed a day here yet—and my morning pages (3 pages in a legal pad) have taken me WAY longer than usual); making me feel a near-constant feeling of foreboding, as if something horrible is going to happen; interrupting my sleep by waking me up in the middle of the night (I had never realized this was my limbic system fight against scary intentions sometimes until now); distracting me so I arrive late to things; trying to get me to worry deeply about other things I don’t normally worry very much about (e.g. money, certain relationships… well those are the main two, actually.)
Along with this, as I have remained tethered to this intention by meditating often, bringing myself into the present moment often, walking out to the Puget Sound in a state of reflection often, and following through on my basics (morning pages, Future Self Journal, and these posts) I have come to also see an absolute wellspring of insight into myself, into my fears, and into why this particular objective feels so terrifying.
Ultimately, of course, it comes down to perfectionism, and an obsession with audience. My consciousness is actually terrified of you, dear reader. It is the main and principle scary thing.
But, some of the things I fear are already happening, and I am being able to meet those challenges with aplomb. For example, I have already gotten feedback on one of my posts from someone who “disagrees” with something I have shared. Sigh. This is a person I deeply love and respect, and I feel I have done a very good job within myself of responding in a way that values the relationship, without compromising my own belief in the integrity and validity of my personal worldview/perspective, and without letting it affect this overall project.
I will say, my limbic system did a VERY potent job of freaking the fuck out when I saw the text in question come through (“you are bad! You have done something wrong and bad! People are mad at you! You should probably melt down about this and let whatever internal melodrama it causes distract you from your next post! Can’t you see how dangerous this is? Can’t you see we were right all along? Doing this is a disaster!”) However, I was pleasantly surprised with the way I was able to roll with this punch more easily than usual. I set my phone down to start a therapy session, and I knew immediately what I needed to do. I needed to sit before reacting and let all the feelings welling up within me process through my mind and body, and travel through my grounding cord (like a root going from my root chakra into the ground, allowing me to be anchored to planet Earth—I AM A GD HIPPEE IT’S TOTALLY FINE LOL) back into the earth from which all things spring. I did this the first chance I got and this allowed me to take in the message (which was delivered with kindness, but was pretty much exactly what I had intuited) from a pace of love and non-reactivity, and in a way that felt honoring of this relationship I care about, and in a way that had basically no impact on my flow here.
It felt very good, and very relieving to see myself not be knocked out of orbit, but instead become more anchored in my intentions, more clear on the validity of my unique human perspective and my right to share it, and more secure in this important goal and process, instead of less.
So, yes, while perfectionism and the fear of audience is, I am coming to more intimately understand, one of the principle impediments to my creativity, I am also seeing massive amounts of growth in being able to stay true to myself and my intentions.
As I wrote in my phone after getting a stroke of insight about perfection, and how to frame things for myself, while running at the gym:
I am beginning to understand that I have a sacred relationship with the blank page or the open computer screen. It is me, and it, and the Universe working through us.
Nobody else is involved in this process. Just me and the screen/page.
—I sit at the screen, and I drop down into the flowing river of life, and these are the baubles I find—
All right, that’s all for today! Much love to all!
Joshua