I DID DIID I BTT!!!!! (Aka "I did it!!!")

Also please tell me how often you want newsletters in the poll at the bottom

Graphic that says I did it! (Oh, AI, you make me laugh.)

Today is the fuckin’ DAY!!! Yaaaaaay!!!!

If you don’t want to read my kinda boring reflections in which I’m still trying to figure out what my brain is doing, exactly, just skip to the poll at the bottom to tell me how often you want to get these damn emails in the future. Love ya! *smooch*

All right, y’all

I am very, very proud of myself.

I feel like the insights I had yesterday have both expanded into a deeper understanding of myself, and kind of got confusing.

Like, it is becoming more and more clear that there is some kind of continuous filament of intention that I never knew could exist that is different than daily execution—but is also daily—and that I will likely be able to learn how to use this filament to tether me to things in a way that does not enervate me and leave me spoonless.

Which is amazing.

But then, I also have questions. I still wonder if this really is a new insight? Take for example a half marathon I’ve prepared for a couple of times… I feel like I had to have had this kind of filament idea during the prep for those, because there were rest days? But it was still very execution heavy.

But what about something like a newsletter where I execute only once a week?

What will that look like?

Will that look like spending minutes of every day prepping for the execution? Will that look like resting for most of the days and prepping at the very end?

As I sit with this question I think it is clear to me that the continuity of intention requires some kind of daily visitation—like a ritual keeping the tethering alive for my ADHD mind over time.

That brings me to the other thing I have questions about, actually, is that the autistic part of my brain LOVES a routine—I have things that I do every single day without thinking because, after a very laborious sequence of effort, the thing has become completely routinized is and now a course of action that, once started, sees itself through with almost zero executive function, and even when I have no spoons left.

Like my nightly routine, which I have tied to using the restroom before bed (routines like to be linked to things that are already anchored into one’s day). There have been many nights where I’ve said to myself “I am genuinely too tired to brush, floss and put moisturizer on my face and do a fluoride rinse… I’m just gonna brush and go to bed….” But once I start brushing, it’s almost like I can’t not do the other things (which I realize is not always possible for some ADHDers). So there are things that become like that.

So what if a daily post of some kind became like that?

Oh, my morning pages are like that. I’ve done them for years.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that I have a plan for what is coming next, and it is a continuation of the learning process.

The plan is thus:

I am giving myself a two week break.

The first week, I am going to spend five minutes a day thinking about the intention to post two weeks from now. (I don’t want to lose the momentum of daily consideration I have started, but I really really need a substantial break. I think this will work as the compromise.)

Then on Saturday of next week, I am going allow myself at least 15 minutes a day to think about and even work on drafting (if I want) the next newsletter I am planning to send. I am going to sit down and read these last two posts. And I am going to think a lot about what I want to post, and what I truly want from this space now that I have so much more knowledge about my capacity for consistency over time.

As far as I can tell now, the plan is that I will hold onto the loose, non-execution-based intention every day of the week, but will only post Substacks on Saturdays, starting two weeks from today. But I am also leaving this open to potential shifts as I spend devoted time over the next two weeks pondering.

And that’s about as far as I’ve gotten.

I think that the post itself will likely be some kind of hodgepodge thingie? I have a couple of therapy questions that were asked recently, and it will definitely include that—the questions were super good and make me excited to reflect and write.

Anyway, this BORING ASS post has to end—but as you can see I VERY relieved, and VERY excited and VERY proud of myself and VERY happy to celebrate tonight!!

Photo by DESIGNECOLOGIST on Unsplash

And I’m also really excited and curious to see how things continue to unfold as I gently continue these explorations.

I love you all. Thanks so much for accompanying me on this experience. Thanks to Judith and Dad and Rachel and those who left me many comments over this month—your encouragement was so helpful! And thanks to Paul and Rachel and Judith and Constance for jumping into paid subscriptions as encouragement during this time.(Deeply sorry if I missed anyone!) All of these things mattered a fucking LOT and I’m so, so grateful.

And thanks to you, whoever you are, for reading these words.

Finally, one last poll, just to get people’s preference:

Okay! You will hear from me in two weeks, unless something MAJOR happens before then (and I can’t even imagine what would possibly be so major it led me to posting here—but I guess I can’t say nothing would ever prompt it!)

In the meantime, so much love you all, my kindreds. <3 Talk to on 4-13-24. Please keep yourselves safe until then! (I know I will!)

Joshua