Nonchalance--plus two synchronicities

Another letter to Yester-Me

Dear Yester-Me,

Today I want to tell you that this conversation is doing the thing that important conversations start to do for me, which is that it seems to be spawning unexpected synchronicities in confirmation of all I’m exploring.

Today there were two. The first happened with Viva (16 yr old daughter). She and I were eating some lunch and I asked her if she wanted to walk the dog with me. Viva and I love going on walks together; we talk about fun things, and our interests intersect in really fun ways sometimes.

The day was dreary—very Pacific Northwest—but it wasn’t raining. We walked to the local university and let Princess roam up mossy staircases (one of her very favorite things to do) to sniff at the doors of old halls and libraries as if someone is going to let her in. (She is always so expectant, then surprised when nobody does.)

Photo by Luke van Zyl on Unsplash

And Viva and I chatted in winding circles of randomness: jokes about crop-dusting (no, not the farming practice, ha), discussions of the nuances of words (today’s involved how the word superfluous is funny because so often it feels superfluous in any sentence). And several times in the conversation Viva said that she wanted to “be more nonchalant” about her goals.

(I have a funny history with the word “nonchalant” because I remember it as being one of those moments where I realized that reading as a child had afforded me a strangely large working vocabulary. I was in 6th grade or so and I said something about being “non-kalant,” mispronouncing the word as I talked to my mom. Eventually she realized what I meant and said, “oh, you mean nonchalant?” and I was like, “yeah,” and she seemed very impressed that I would try to use that word—a word that, to me, just felt like any other word even though I couldn’t even pronounce it. (I have since discovered a whole list of words that I still mispronounce to this day because of how my mind originally read them as a child. One of my favorites is “pint” which I still have trouble not saying with the short vowel, like the beginning of the word “pinto” instead of the correct pronunciation which sounds like “pine” with a “t” at the end. (Why did I just explain that??? Nobody else is confused by this!!))

Anyway, it took Viva saying it a couple of times before I realized I didn’t exactly get what she was saying. “Wait, what do you mean by ‘being nonchalant’ about goals?” I asked. And then she described, in her own language, some of the exact principles I have been exploring in this conversation: that she tends to do much better with goals when she is more nonchalant about them—almost like they are passing thoughts, and not intense, over-focused-on objectives.

As we talked further, I realized she was fleshing out another aspect of this than the manifestation itself, which is where I’d recently focused. Her thoughts centered more around that she is able to remain consistent (which, if you’ll recall, is one of the main questions I was asking in the first letter of this series) as she is more nonchalant in her approach to goals—or rather, more nonchalant in her approach to consistency as a goal.

Wait, okay, so I think this helps me pin down an important principle or differentiation in this discussion: when some people refer to the concept of a “goal” they are talking about the end outcome, which is often linked to (but different than) consistent effort. And other times, when people talk about goals, they are referring to the consistent effort itself that might lead to an outcome.

Like for one person, the goal could be to run a marathon (the outcome).
And for another person the goal could be to get more in shape (another outcome).
And for another person the goal is to run every single day (the consistent effort that might lead to an outcome).

What’s interesting was that as I talked to Viva about this, we realized that we both value nonchalance, as applied to both versions of the word “goal.” I told her I had been thinking lately a lot about how nonchalance seems to contribute to the manifestation of outcomes for me, and hers was more about how it leads to better effort.

Also interesting: nonchalance, by definition, is not displaying anxiety, interest, or enthusiasm, which is strange to think of when thinking of goals, as well as desired outcomes (shouldn’t we have interest or enthusiasm about desired outcomes?). But it does seem to be very related to the idea of surrender and release I was speaking of in previous letters.

Anyway, as you can see, the conversation with Viva has really driven home some of the things I’m thinking about here.

The second synchronicity was a random Abraham Hicks clip I listened to on Youtube. (When I’m cleaning or doing mindless tasks I often listen to material like this—things that are voluminous and repetitive and positive, but that it’s’ okay to come in and out of attention during without losing out on anything.) This particular clip was all about how goals are better achieved when there is less intensity of wanting. If I’m able, I’ll link to the clip so you can see just how tailored this random clip was to the conversation we are having here.

Found it: here it is.

Anyway, that’s all I’m going to do today here, dear friend. Thanks as always for lending your thoughts to me, the Joshua of Today (or T-Jot—I kinda like that one!), and allowing me to participate in this mind-expanding conversation. Tomorrow-Me, I would love to have you explore the questions at the end of the last letter we didn’t get to. I’ll post what was asked here: First, are there more experiences we can share? Second, the synchronicity thing—how does this relate to the “knowing” thing? Is it all the same thing or are there distinctions? And in that vein, are there principles can you identify in these stories that seem to be more longstanding patterns about how we function? Can they be boiled down into concrete action steps—ones that when I am confused and wondering what to do next can serve as guiding principles? (There is potentially quite a bit here, so perhaps several letters might be required to respond.)

I’m enjoying a lot the “driftlessness” of where these Driftless Letters has recently drifted. It’s been an unexpected delight as I end 2024.

With affection,

The Joshua of Today (or, T-Jot)