Therapy Thoughts #2 (and a quick opinion poll)

Here are some of the therapy concepts that emerged today and yesterday

All right, rascals, here some of the most salient stuff that’s been showing up in session the last couple of days.

(Also, one thing that’s super weird as a therapist is that it seems like people tend to deal with issues in batches. Sometimes it gets kind of bonkers, especially when I find myself saying the same exact things about the exact same happenings (in completely different people’s lives) over the course of a day. And sometimes it’s something that has presented itself in my own life as well, which is when it’s weirdest of all!

1. Lots of us seek outside validation, and it’s true that outside validation is a powerful part of our own development as a self-loving person. This is because to feel love for ourselves, we need to have that love modeled in the outside world. However, it is SUPER important to remember that we cannot guide ourselves by the flame of others’ validation—that is a trip. Our job is to take outside validation and love and then light the coals of our own internal fires with it—we have to use it to generate true love of self in our own hearts. Only then will we feel secure. (For example: I needed my mommy’s love to begin the process of loving myself; choosing to actively love myself based on that love is an act of self-care, and a choice I can make again and again. Her love isn’t the fire; it started the fire, but now my internal fire of self-love burns by itself. This is especially important now that she is gone.)

2. The most damaging part of growing up with an abusive parent is less about the physical or emotional wounding, the tactics, the gaslighting, etc (although those things are terrible and terribly wrong); it is the pain of being treated like an object and not a human being by someone who is supposed to love you that inflicts the true, lasting wounds.

3. Related: Being othered in any way,—in families, friendships, relationships, or by broader systems of oppression—or having your humanity disregarded on any level, is what teaches us that we are unlovable. It’s what convinces us to disregard our inborn knowledge of our static worth. Every instance in which we feel degraded as a human being by another human being (or group of human beings) teaches our limbic system to remember our unlovability as a matter of survival. It is life threatening. And it is so painful that we often then start degrading ourselves before others can do so. Reversing these patterns and remembering our inherent worth is, at its core, the basic work of all useful healing models. It is the healing work of a lifetime.

4. Learning to guide ourselves by what we want after a lifetime of trying to guide ourselves by exterior shoulds takes a really fucking long time. Learning to trust that our wants are not, in fact, lascivious or greedy or evil but are in fact part of the sacred guidance of our soul is really, really, fucking hard. But it’s true—it really is. What we want matters. And when we graciously allow our wants to surface in our body and then guide ourselves with them, we are taken on bounteous and delicious paths toward a truly enriching life.

Those were the standouts from the last couple of days—and they feel like big concepts. Some heady work is taking place in this here office in Tacoma, WA! ;-)

Tiny poll below. Would you like to see more posts like this? (I feel like fucking Insta or Facebook asking that question, but I genuinely want to know! And don’t worry, no hard feelings either way—there is no shame in not liking something. We all have our preferences!)

In conclusion here is a picture of balloons floating in outer space next to an exploding planet

balloons floating in outer space next to an exploding planet. (Okay, decent job on this one, AI! For being a totally random phrase, it is a decent likeness.)

Over and out, friends. Much love,

Joshua